The world of the future was a bright, sparkling, aluminum-lined vision of prosperity, convenience, and of course, peace and harmony... at least it was from the atomic, Communist-ridden, beatnik days of the 1950s. Their prosperous future is our home: the hovercar-free present day. Take a look out of your window. Is the world gleaming? No, it's not. And don't try to spray a little Windex on it. It won't help.

So what happened? Bad Things, it turns out. All you have to do is listen to the news or pick up a paper and each day offers something negative, someone who's not constructive. Each action performed by a misguided soul, each comment made by someone wearing social blinders contributes to the chipping away of that idyllic vision that has been, frankly, stolen from us.

But what can we do?

There's nothing you can do about it, of course. You're just one person. Your best contribution is simply lack of action. Each day that you don't take your rage out on your coworkers with something semi-automatic, or fail to purchase carloads of fertilizer for non-agricultural purposes, well, we as a whole have won just that little bit. Of course, we want more than that. And that's exactly where we come in.

When something unacceptable, uncalled for, outrageous, inappropriate, or inhumane happens in the world, and you have a nearly unlimited supply of resources to deal with it swiftly and convincingly, what do you do about it? There's only one thing: condemnation. That's right, one of the most powerful tools for addressing serious problems is the condemnation. Think about it -- how would you feel to be on the receiving end of that? It feels pretty bad, let me assure you. Say you're out there, doing something that people might frown upon like, say, killing hundreds of civilians in a foreign nation. What's the last thing you want to hear from anyone? "We condemn that action of killing civilians."

Ouch.

Who could continue after hearing that? No one, that's who. Now, condemnation as a response is hardly a brand new thing. It's the preferred tool for addressing wrongs for quite some time. The problem is that a condemnation could come from just about anywhere -- the president, business leaders, religious teachers, the prime minister, even your postman. What the Department of Condemnation provides is a single voice, a single source of action. Is someone bombing where they shouldn't? Has someone called your girlfriend or wife uncovered meat? Rather than wonder where that condemnation to deal with it will come from, you can now simply turn to us.

This is one of the added advantages the Department provides: it frees up politicians, otherwise extremely busy with raising funds for their reelection and handing out favours, from having to trouble themselves with issuing condemnations themselves. Now that there is a whole department devoted to this, we no longer have to restrict condemnations to the Big Issues, either. Did someone break into your house and steal your grandmother's wedding ring? We'll take care of it -- we've got a condemnation for that. Did you just get dumped by your boyfriend by email? Condemnation, right there. Takes care of the whole problem, free of charge.

Again, welcome. We hope to show in the coming months that by sitting back in our comfortable chairs in our comfortable offices and issuing condemnations when we deem necessary will be sufficient to cure the ills of the world. The world is indeed ill, my friends, but we here at the Department of Condemnation are ready to do our part.

Sincerely,

Demitri Muna
Secretary of Condemnation