Well, the Department of Condemnation is hardly breaking new ground here, but we would like to make what we're sure is a common public sentiment official. The DOC hereby condemns the utter lack of originality and the plumbing of the depths of television of days gone by to make, and we hesitate to use this word, "new" films. There's no news like the old news, apparently.

We just learned that they are making a "Welcome Back, Kotter" film, due out next year. Seriously? Really? This is the best they can come up with? What's next for the silver screen? Manimal? How about a West End version of Cop Rock? You know who never got a real chance to shine? The Tortellis, the not-Frasier Cheers spinoff. Maybe their time has come.

If you have any thoughts as to what shows would make the worst films, add them to the comments. Be careful though, a lazy Hollywood exec may be trolling the web for just such a list, so watch your local theatre with particular caution in 2009.

Airbus superjumbo purchased for private use

Sorry everyone. That was me. I can't tell you how embarrassed I am. Really.

Look, I know I have a problem. My entourage has really got out of hand. I've actually become better at cutting back, but that only means that I'm down to adding 2-3 members a day.

You probably think that that's excessive, but to fair, writing a PhD thesis is hard work. I don't have time to keep my index alphabetised, and yes, when I'm on holiday I need that same person around in case I need to know what topics I've covered between "diffusion" and "drift chamber" while sipping on a mojito. You can't expect me to keep that kind of minutia in my head.

What episode of Heroes have I got to? That's Dave. Is it time yet to pay the second instalment of my water bill? That's Gwendolyn. Is my mobile phone fully charged? Andrew. Does my laptop have the latest OS updates? Zoe. The list goes on and on and on.

The thing is, I can't let any of these people go. They're like a, well... entourage to me. While I have little doubt that your own entourage is smaller than mine, I'm sure you understand nonetheless. They need me. And hey, I look out for them too, heck, I just bought them a plane! OK, I bought myself the plane to carry them around, but still, I didn't do it just to make my ego bigger (that's Lauren's job). In fact, I think I deserve some credit though for buying just the one plane! Honestly, do you know how hard it's going to be to decide which members of my entourage will be coming with me on my next flight to Leeds? I don't need that kind of stress. So back off!

I'm sorry. I was a bit brusk with you just then. Please don't judge me too harshly. A heck of a lot is going on in my life, and I'm a mover. I just don't have the time to sit and watch the grass grow (Douglas). I do realise that I have a problem, and I will get better about it. I promise. If you have any advice or suggestions, I would really love to hear them. Please send them to Julie.

I'm looking for someone who is skilled in being able to take a large group of extremely essential people, all very important, and be able to select only the most crucial 700-800 of them. Must be able to look beyond selecting favourites or those based on appearances, but rather those whose utility are indispensable to myself. Hours are generous, but must be on call 24/7. Frequent travel necessary, but in luxury accommodation.

Availability: Immediate
Salary: Very generous, includes benefits

Please do not contact me directly to apply; send all applications "Attention: Michelle".
Equal opportunity employer.