And Another Thing...

This is just so wrong...

But it does make me think - although we were mocking them, apparently Rob and Laura Petrie had it right all along. Who knew? (I can only assume that Ward and June had the same configuration... maybe that's how Ward was able to handle Beav.)

First, I started an improvisational comedy group in 2006 in Sheffield. I act as the artistic director. It's been extremely successful, and over the past year (during term time, the group is primarily comprised of students) we've put on shows on pretty much a weekly basis.

Second, the Edinburgh Festival Fringe is a the largest arts festival in the world. It's particularly known for it's comedy - this is the place for new comedy.

What do these two facts have in common? Well, the Shrimps (Sheffield Imps!) are performing at the Fringe this year for two weeks, and it's quite an experience!

We've been running non-stop since we got here Sunday, with planning the show, rehearsing, flyering (more on that in an upcoming post), and of course seeing other shows! That last part is really crucial.

Every other day we'll also be running improv workshops to teach people the basics of what we do. In fact, I'm off to run the first one now, so I'll have to write more later!

Pretty much the most indispensable application I can think of. I just learned that Jared will be coming to the iPhone. Of course he will be coming to the iPhone. It's why the iPhone was invented - to allow Jared to go on the road.

Naturally, I've shared Jared with my friends. Here are a few extremely grateful comments I've received:

Why would you do that to me? What did I ever do to you?? -- Kate

I had systematically killed the brain cells that remembered Jared. You are now responsible for killing two parts of my brain. I hope you can sleep at night. -- Louis

Hey, no problem guys!

The first stand-up comedy album I ever owned was Carlin's 1981 A Place For My Stuff (it was a cassette, actually!). I listened to it countless times to the point where I'd had it memorised. I started dipping my toes into the world of drama back in high school. Back then, I was only interested in stage as a means to do comedy (as if that's changed). I participated in a monologue competition in my senior year, and I chose George Carlin's material to perform. I joined together Icebox Man and Fussy Eater, both off that album.

A few weeks later, I was asked to participate in an end-of-year school assembly and perform my monologue. It was amazing rush - there I was, alone on stage with hundreds of people in front of me, and they were laughing. This was a whole new side of comedy for me, and I owe all that to George.

--- Tony the Tiger, reflecting on his career

"We're just kind of at God's mercy right now, so hopefully people that never prayed before this, it might be a good time to start," Linn County Sheriff Don Zeller said. "We're going to need a lot of prayers and people are going to need a lot of patience and understanding."

I can just imagine his incredulous Deputy Sheriff saying, "Uhh, Don? Prayers, yeah, that's great. How about we call FEMA?"

"Damn, I knew there was something I forgot. There's a house that's about to be completely submerged -- let me get through another twenty 'Hail Marys', and I'll get right on it."

Such a lost opportunity...

Newsweek article

Is there a fee as well? I supposed you can't just have everyone reincarnating all willy-nilly... where would we as a society be?

Ten Politically Incorrect Truths About Human Nature

Favourite quote:

"Men have had to conquer foreign lands, win battles and wars, compose symphonies, author books, write sonnets, paint cathedral ceilings, make scientific discoveries, play in rock bands, and write new computer software in order to impress women so that they will agree to have sex with them."

Although I have to admit, the line "Dear Odin, look at him code, I can barely keep my pants on" somehow fails to have a ring of familiarity to it.

From Apple's marketing materials:

We found that most people were so entranced by their iPhone that they would just dial numbers from their address book, pretty much indiscriminately, just to say:

'Hey, guess what!? I'm calling you from my new iPhone! Yeah, I rock! Face on you! I gotta go call someone else!'

Our team of top designers and engineers felt that they could make what was an already perfect phone experience even better. Immediately dropping all work on the next version of the Macintosh operating system, code-named 'Has Anyone Seen Leopard? Anyone?', our engineers realised that the touch-screen interface was simply getting in the way of calling everyone the user's ever met.... thus the clean, elegant, smooth, uncluttered lines of the iPhone Shuffle.

One press of the 'Home' button is all you need to make a phone call. But who will you be calling? That's the beauty of the iPhone Shuffle. Strongly inspired by the iPod Shuffle, the iPhone Shuffle will randomly select a phone number from your contacts and simply place the call! Imagine the excitement of talking to friends and family members you haven't spoken to in a long time! The spontaneous conversations you can have that you wouldn't have had otherwise!

Apple has perfected the technology required for this device, which we have named Apple Shuffle Technology. Apple Shuffle Technology is an advanced new system, and is the heart of the iPhone Shuffle. It is able to take a list of possible values -- your phone numbers, your music -- and randomly rearrange them into a different order! This is years ahead of anything else out there, and is due to revolutionise the industry.

Of course, the iPhone Shuffle wouldn't be complete without an iPod. Simply rotate the iPhone Shuffle ninety degrees, press the 'Home' button, and you're listening to your favourite music, already shuffled by Apple Shuffle Technology for you. Press 'Home' again, and your music is paused.

Safari on the iPhone Shuffle? You bet. Simply rotate again another ninety degrees, and you're ready to browse the web with our innovative, advanced web browser Safari. It also works on the same shuffle principle: one press of the 'Home' button will take you to a random site on the Internet, where the content will be read to you by the computer generated voice built into the phone.

We're even saved the best for last. 'Where's the camera?' you might wonder. We didn't want iPhone Shuffle users to feel left out on that front. That 'Home' button? Also a high-resolution camera lens. But that's not the most innovative part. Taking full advantage of Apple Shuffle Technology, the camera will take photographs at completely random times -- or "shuffled time" -- leaving you with one less thing to worry about. Also included is Apple's new Fingerprint Smudge Removal filter as an iPhoto plug-in.

I don't know about you, but I'm pretty excited about this device. I think it really has a chance to change a person's life, opening up all kinds of new opportunities. Just think of the possibilities....

<ring><ring>

"Hello...? Who is this? ... Oh, right, Wong's Chinese Emporium. Yeah, I'm sorry... well, hang on. I am feeling a bit peckish. Do you deliver? ... Great! I'll have a cashew chicken and some spring rolls ... ok, fifteen minutes."

Thank you iPhone Shuffle!

<ring><ring>

"Hello...? Who is this? ... Oh, Mr. Harris! Hi boss! ... What did I want? Oh, uh, I wanted to check up on the, er, Horne case at work! Yes, that's it. I've been worrying about the Horne case. ... Yes, on a Saturday night. Very worried sir. ... You like my initiative? Yes sir, I am very initiate. ... A raise and a promotion!? Wow, thank you sir! Yes, I'll see you Monday morning in my new office!"

Thank you iPhone Shuffle!

<ring><ring>

"Hello...? Who is this? ... Oh boy - Alice. ... No, I don't think it's funny to call you out of the blue after we broke up six months ago. I was just --- ... oh, I see. That sounds really awful. Look, that guy's a jerk. Clearly he didn't appreciate you. ... No, nothing going on right--- ... no, I can understand how you don't want to be alone tonight. I'll be right over."

THANK YOU iPHONE SHUFFLE!

"SELL! SELL! SELL! Now's the time! Cash it in! Cash it ALL in! Mwa-ha ha ha!"

From the article:

"Slim, known for his Midas touch in turning around struggling businesses and turning them into profit-making machines, told Reuters in an interview this year he was not in the habit of calculating his fortune on a regular basis."

"I have 247 people in my employ that do that for me on a minute-to-minute basis," he added. "As if I would do it myself."

Availability: Immediate
Salary: Very generous, includes benefits

Please do not contact me directly to apply; send all applications "Attention: Michelle".
Equal opportunity employer.

Look, I know I have a problem. My entourage has really got out of hand. I've actually become better at cutting back, but that only means that I'm down to adding 2-3 members a day.

You probably think that that's excessive, but to fair, writing a PhD thesis is hard work. I don't have time to keep my index alphabetised, and yes, when I'm on holiday I need that same person around in case I need to know what topics I've covered between "diffusion" and "drift chamber" while sipping on a mojito. You can't expect me to keep that kind of minutia in my head.

What episode of Heroes have I got to? That's Dave. Is it time yet to pay the second instalment of my water bill? That's Gwendolyn. Is my mobile phone fully charged? Andrew. Does my laptop have the latest OS updates? Zoe. The list goes on and on and on.

The thing is, I can't let any of these people go. They're like a, well... entourage to me. While I have little doubt that your own entourage is smaller than mine, I'm sure you understand nonetheless. They need me. And hey, I look out for them too, heck, I just bought them a plane! OK, I bought myself the plane to carry them around, but still, I didn't do it just to make my ego bigger (that's Lauren's job). In fact, I think I deserve some credit though for buying just the one plane! Honestly, do you know how hard it's going to be to decide which members of my entourage will be coming with me on my next flight to Leeds? I don't need that kind of stress. So back off!

I'm sorry. I was a bit brusk with you just then. Please don't judge me too harshly. A heck of a lot is going on in my life, and I'm a mover. I just don't have the time to sit and watch the grass grow (Douglas). I do realise that I have a problem, and I will get better about it. I promise. If you have any advice or suggestions, I would really love to hear them. Please send them to Julie.